Chers L’Apprenti

Chers L’Apprenti, (BBC1, Mercredi a’ 9pm (GMT) 10pm (CET))

Bon anniversaire Lord Sucre, ca va? Erm, avez vous une chien? Je joue au babyfoot et ping pong. Pain au chocolat…

Alright, fine, you’ve sussed me out, my French is even worse than Leon’s – but that’s fine, I’m not in France, you’re not a French show and His Exhalted Highness Kal Sugar admitted himself that he can’t speak French so I’m quite confident that carrying on in English is going to be alright.

The moon, having heard Natasha's plans for 'Covered', is overcome with embarrassment and tries to hide behind the earth

I hadn’t intended to write back so soon, I figured that with my half term report ringing in your ears there wouldn’t be much to add until the interview stage. That was, of course, before two of the most cringe filled hours in television history, I spent much of your last two outings hiding behind a cushion and I know I’m not the only one – I mean during the magazine task even the moon had to hide behind the earth, such was the magnitude of the discomfort. Massive amounts of awkwardness aside, it may have escaped your notice that the candidates have now split into four factions – I know what you’re going to say, “two”, but it’s not two, it’s four. Four distinct ‘teams’, though I put teams in inverted commas, because everyone’s out for themselves. Apart from Tom, who I think would genuinely be happy for whoever wins, such is his loveliness.

So, without further ado, here are the teams that they don’t want you to see: (actually, they might not care)

Team Genuinely Lovely

In a former life Tom and Helen were even lovelier - though with a somewhat spikier approach...

Consisting of Tom (who is widely acknowledged as the square root of loveliness) and the increasingly impressive Helen, Team GL have not only great skills, but a loveliness that seems so pure that they could probably cure VD just by talking about it – which they never would, they’re too lovely to talk about that sort of thing. This pair represent the last bastion of hope for humankind, and if one of these two doesn’t win then it’s possible (though admittedly not likely) that we’ll enter a thousand years of darkness as prophisised in Tom’s favourite book (probably) Lord of the Rings. It’s also worth noting that between them this pair seem to get everything right, everything. Always. If this team of super-goodness teamed up, got married and had a baby it would almost certainly be made of pure magic, be born with a complete and comprehensive knowledge and smell like freshly baked bread. In short, they are a force for good.

Team Pure Evil

The emblem for Team Pure Evil - mostly because they couldn't find anything more sinister, like a suspiciously blonde child eating a kitten

As recently as the magazine debacle this team consisted of one person. Natasha. So great is her malevolent evil presence that every time she contorts her face into what might be called a ‘smile’, a gorgeous little puppy dies. Should proof be required that she’s evil you need only look at the magazine ‘Covered’ – here was an enterprise so badly misjudged that literally everyone disagreed with her: 4 team members; 8 million viewers; 1 moon; 12 industry professionals; and any chimps that know sign language – in fact every sentient being on the planet knew that her load-blowing tit-a-thon-azine was about 15 years past its sell by date and just wrong, yeah? I say everyone, obviously there was one other being that thought it was a good idea, and he happened to have sixty grand to fritter away on such nonsense – this is beyond the realms of coincidence and straight into voodoo, mindcontrol and witchcraft. She should marry him – or sacrifice him, either way he deserves the misery that either of these will guarantee.

So, evil Natasha, destined to reign as supreme dark lord for eternity? So it was thought, but then an evil that had been lurking in the background shot forward this week and proclaimed “Bow down before me, because I’m f**king amazing.” it was, of course, Melody. Having managed to avoid tripping over the names, places and awards she keeps casually dropping into every single conversation I took the liberty of calculating her age based on her achievements, the people she has spent time with (did you know that Michael J Fox personally taught her how to play hopscotch?) and the travels of which she boasts. Do you know how old she must be to have achieved all this? 612. Who lives to that age? Demons, that’s who. Demons, witches and those who have struck deals with the devil. Evil. And her name is an anagram of ‘Noisy ho mislead’ which is all the evidence I need.

Of course they won’t hesitate to destroy each other, but this may come too late to save goodness. Their powers should not be underestimated – like a toddler with a hammer they might be quite cute (okay, Melody might be, not Natasha, she permanently looks like she’s just smelt cat vomit on her favourite duvet cover) but you shouldn’t trust them near your valuables.

 

They are the two main teams, the winner will almost certainly come from TGL or TPE – and the future of mankind determined by it. Choose wisely. That said, there is another who can influence proceedings.

Team Jim

Team Jim - half here, half there, all Jim.

Is he good? Is he evil? Nobody knows for sure, but a powerful ally is he. Whilst some might believe that his powers have waned somewhat since his early days of puppet-mastery, but the truth is he has merely learned to be more cautious in demonstrating them – they are most certainly still there. Seriously, have a word with Treasurer and Secretary of the Croydon Women’s Institute Sugar – who threw all his best shots at Jim in the boardroom after ‘HIP Replacement’ (dear God…) only to see them skilfully deflected onto Glen. Jim will use his powers to determine who wins, and hopefully he won’t turn to the darkside. He won’t win himself – he has far bigger plans for himself.

Then of course there’s…

Team M’eh

Much like Susan and Zoe, the middle of the road is a dull but necessary reality

Ah, Susan and Zoe. Believe it or not this pair occupy a very valuable, though rather dull middle ground that allows us to scientifically establish parameters of loveliness and evil. Like when a colleague shaves their moustache or suddenly stops wearing glasses, if either of this pair left you’d notice that something was different but you’d struggle to put your finger on precisely what. Very much making up the numbers now they do add a little bit of value, Susan by virtue of the much discussed moronic questions and her oft heard adolescent pine “That’s so unfair”, Zoe purely for the fact that she hates Susan and may well make her cry before the end of the series. Otherwise they really aren’t going to influence anything, they’re the yeoman that head to the planet with Captain Kirk and Spock, the soldiers who talk of a loved one back home before a beach landing, the kid breaking in to a swimming pool at night on Casualty. I think you get the point.

So there you have it, Apprentice. It’s down to you, the future of mankind, not just £250,000 of cash and value, but the whole destiny of the planet. Don’t let evil triumph.

No pressure.

R x

PS – After his appearance on “You’re Fired”, Leon has earned a posthumous place on Team Genuinely Lovely